INDIVIDUALITY — THE CONFETTI PROJECT

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At 27, I’ve learned to make my anxiety my strongest attribute. I was diagnosed with Generalized Anxiety Disorder two years ago. This is also when I became an ICU nurse, staring death in the face too often. Then, a light in my world turned off: a close mentor passed away. She taught me how to take care of people and love myself but my anxiety was eating away at my happiness. Death was now laying in bed with me, visiting in my dreams - it never left my mind. I was scared to walk on the platform of a subway station thinking my impulses would overtake me or cross the street, looking both ways incessantly before moving. I felt as if death was my fate before I had the chance to live my life. One day I refused to get out of bed. I cried and cried until my dry heaves hurt. I knew I needed help so I contacted a psychologist that I started seeing weekly. I spoke of the secret thoughts of suicide and the feeling like I couldn't control my impulses. Speaking out loud was both liberating and terrifying. She became my savior. As a nurse I thought a psychiatrist was only for people who were “crazy." When I see people who suffer from mental health issues, I hold their hand when they’re scared, calm them down when they’re anxious, stroke their forehead to help soothe their fears but, now - I was the one who needed it. The day I was diagnosed with GAD was also the day I was introduced to @the_confetti_project - the first person I told of my diagnosis. That day I swore to celebrate who I was, anxiety and all. I blacked out while tossing confetti. 1.5 years later, I’m still working on it. I’ve learned to take charge of my anxiety. I look in the mirror and recognize myself, and I love her. I’m honest to myself and those around me when I’m feeling anxious. When you’re honest, you find truth. The greatest truth I’ve learned is that I’m not alone. I want every single person who deals with mental health to know that. You are greater than your biggest fear. It’s so easy to be mad at the shortcomings of life, but maybe those are the moments we have to learn how to be ourselves. When rock bottom doesn’t seem far enough - to be our own hero. FULL STORY IN BIO. #ownyourvibeseries

In 2002, my father suffered from an aortic dissection. After 20 hours of surgery, he thankfully would survive. However, before I had a chance to feel relieved, it turned out that I had the same life threatening condition known as Marfan Syndrome. From then on my life was turned upside down. I had to face the idea of my own mortality at a very young age. When I heard that my life expectancy was now down to 30 years old, I didn’t know how to process it. Fast forward to 2014: I needed to have surgery to prevent a possible dissection of my own. I wrote a will, decided whether I wanted to be resuscitated, and gave power of attorney to my mother to pull the plug if I couldn’t come back, all before my 21st Birthday. When it was over all seemed to be well. What I didn’t prepare for was the way it made me feel. Yes it was physically painful but, I didn’t expect the sudden rush of fear. Why was I afraid? I had more time now! With the surgery I had doubled my life expectancy. Then it hit me. That was exactly the point. I now had the time to worry. My life was going to be longer so now there was time to face my anxiety, and depression that had been piling up for years. I later found my therapist by what seems like fate now. I was at a health clinic with a friend and walked into a wrong room, being asked if I wanted to talk. It was in that session that I discovered I had a lot to say. So many years of pent up anxiety and frustration that came spilling out. Now it’s a main fixture in my life. I’m not saying that therapy is what saved me but therapy is what made me understand that it’s ok to let myself feel. What I celebrate about my mental health journey is that I finally let myself thrive as much as I let myself fail. I’m not weak just because I don’t feel strong. I can be scared and still move forward. My emotions are not something to be ashamed of. They are to be acknowledged, lived, and celebrated. My Marfan journey and my mental health journey don’t define me but they did help me become who I am today. I wouldn’t change it for anything and I can’t wait for more, because as I may have mentioned, I now have time for it. FULL STORY IN BIO. #ownyourvibeseries

The past couple years have been quite the rollercoaster. While some people can say that about the natural ebbs and flows of life, my rollercoaster has been the ups and downs of manic depression. This journey started 2 years ago when heavy suicidal thoughts brought me to the psychiatric hospital. I was put through routine therapy sessions and given a low dose of Zoloft. I felt the best I ever had and thought all my problems were solved but that wasn't the case. Zoloft is an antidepressant that cures depression, but amplifies manic symptoms associated with manic depression. Through this chain of events of overspending, going days without sleep and acting impulsively, I learned that I have bipolar disorder. When I was in the hospital that night, I was so scared for my life, which is so ironic as I was there for having suicidal thoughts. There was one woman who peed on the floor. There was another talking to herself all night. It was a wake up call that I'm just as crazy as they are. Not crazy - I need help in the same way they do but mental health isn't as visible as having a broken leg or diabetes. I learned a lot of things that night. It's okay to be vulnerable. It's okay to get help. It's okay to be sad. Bipolar disorder has become my best friend and my worst enemy. I can see the world in both black + white, and in color. While the black + white of the illness can be scary, it has shown me the multiple ways that I can be two things at once. I am learning to accept that I am perfectly imperfect, and that too can be said about bipolar disorder. It’s been hard to get help and admit my struggles because of the misconceptions surrounding it. This April, I relapsed and ended up in the psychiatric hospital once again. While it felt like I had failed after months of progress and 9+ medication dosages, I realized that my mental health journey is still continuing. I celebrate that my mental healing, like bipolar disorder, is not a linear process, but one that will come with highs and lows. I celebrate that duality because my emotions remind me that despite my occasional suicidal thoughts, I am still alive; that life is worth living. FULL STORY IN BIO. #ownyourvibeseries

About 2 years ago I was diagnosed with a blood cancer called Hodgkin's Lymphoma. I have had quite the roller coaster of mental health issues that came with battling this cancer. What people often don't realize is that it's so easy to focus on the fight and the end goal of "beating" a cancer diagnosis, but once everything is over and it's time to integrate back into "real life," that is when mental health really hits the fan. It's important to handle your emotions as they are happening, which is something I learned the hard way. I celebrate that my mental health journey is a complicated one and that it is in fact a journey. You don't wake up one day not depressed, or not struggling with anxiety, but every so often you wake up and realize that today is a little better than the day before. When I had cancer, my attitude was “get it done, the end.” I didn’t want to talk about anything so I could close this chapter of my life and never look back at it again. I was going to work, going to dance class, choreographing pieces, leading rehearsals, and trying to live my “normal” life with pesky chemo breaks. I was using cold caps to freeze my scalp, so that my hair wouldn’t fall out. This ensured that no one would ever know by looking at me that I was a cancer patient. When I was told that I couldn't use them anymore, I had one of my biggest meltdowns of my diagnosis. Once it was over, I had nothing to hide behind. I lost track of the number of bathroom floors that I sobbed on, the amount of people who I tirelessly attacked with my problems because I just didn’t know what to do with the emotions I was feeling and bottling up. It was a really hard 6-8 months. Eventually, I realized I needed a therapist, where I am eternally thankful for the impact she has had on my recovery. Now, almost 2 years since my diagnosis, I am finally realizing that who I am right now is okay. I thought I was going to be a cancer patient for 6-8 months, and then just hop back into my daily routine unchanged - HA! It's OK that all of that happened, and that now I'm a different version of me. It took a really long time to get there, but I'm starting to see it. FULL STORY IN BIO. #ownyourvibeseries

Today I am proud to call myself a great Mother, wife, writer, podcast host and a motivational speaker. But my motivational story isn't easy to write, not only because it's a hard thing to talk about it but because it's painful for others to also relive their memories through my story as well. I'm not looking for pity nor do I claim to be a victim, because I consider myself a survivor of life. There are so many reasons why this could have happened to me. This story is as dark as it is beautiful. How do you know you're in a toxic relationship? You could ignore the red flags from the beginning or maybe you wish for them to become the person you need. Mostly you just hope that this time you got it right, that happy endings do exist. The last time I saw him was the morning of the incident where I woke up in a hospital bed dizzy with a swollen face and bruises all over my body, fingernails missing. The bruises were so bad it looked like an animal attacked me, the hospital staff was horrified. Even the police officers who came to the hospital were shocked, one even told me he usually doesn't see someone survive this.

After a year of therapy I learned a lot about myself. Ignoring my traumas made me hit rock bottom, I could no longer run from them. I needed to shed some skin, to grow. I put myself first for the first time in a long time. Writing this wasn't easy, but if by sharing my story it can help anyone who has or is going through any type of abuse it's worth it. If you find yourself in this situation talk to someone about it, you're not alone, you're not weak, you're strong and you will get through this. You may feel broken, but you can put yourself back together. Take it one day at a time and learn your true worth, strength and purpose. Don't feel bad for loving someone so deeply that you lost yourself, the fact that you could love so much is a blessing. You're so powerful that even in the darkest pain you can put yourself together each time you're broken. I will always believe in true love because it's such a beautiful thing to feel alive. Don't lose hope. My story is my truth, I can now walk forward with my head held high. FULL STORY IN BIO. #ownyourvibeseries

I've had a pretty severe eating disorder for the last twenty years. I kept it a secret from the world for so long because of all the shame I felt about it but sharing it felt like a huge weight was lifted off of me. It felt right. I was just so tired of the secret and I knew that I wanted to help others who also may have been struggling silently. I just came home after being across the country for four months of intensive treatment and I still have a long road ahead of me but this time, no more secrets. I'm very passionate about spreading awareness that eating disorders do not have a body type and they can impact people of any gender, race, body size, and socioeconomic background. I’m in treatment for the second time this year because the only way I’ve known how to feel safe is by starving myself and purging. I don’t know how to describe the torment of how it’s felt to live with my eating disorder for two decades. It was like I was living underwater for a decade or sleeping all this time and suddenly I woke up with the realization that I’ve lost ten years to this disorder.

It was easy to pretend that my disordered behaviors were not that big a deal, especially when you're high functioning and achieving goals. But it almost takes my breath away to think of all I’ve lost and couldn’t do because of this disorder. I’m learning that the only way to achieve freedom from my eating disorder is working through the trauma – which comes along with agonizing discomfort and pain that I’ve been desperately trying to run from. I didn’t choose to suffer with this eating disorder and I am currently doing everything I can to recover from it. Until people in ALL bodies can exist in this world without stigma and abuse, eating disorders will remain a huge fucking problem. Recovery is messy and anything but linear-which can feel frustrating and hard to tolerate. But in my experience, there really isn’t any major “aha moment” and instead, just a whole lot of excruciating discomfort along with picking yourself up again and again, with compassion and patience. This is where I am. It’s messy and I have ways to go, but I am done keeping secrets. FULL STORY IN BIO. #mentalhealthawareness

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