WHEN YOU WORRY THAT SHARING YOUR FEELINGS MAKES YOU A BURDEN
I have always put on a brave face. I have always worried that my path hasn’t been focused enough, I’m not as smart as others, or that if I share my fears or needs with others I would be a burden. My insecurities have always been something I’ve kept to myself. I have never shared them with anyone, fearing the power they would have when spoken out loud. This perceived confidence had served me well in my adult life, or so I thought.
I can say now at the age of 32 that my insecurities have finally boiled over. I have finally seen the power they have had over me in my solitude, the amount that they have held me back. I stayed in a relationship in a foreign country a year after I realized I was no longer in love, for fear that admitting my mistake in moving away and feeling like I failed.
I have stayed in a work environment where I clawed and scraped for every raise, for every responsibility, because I earned it, and because deep down I wondered who else would want me? This job in particular took everything out of me, all of my energy, all of my time. I told myself over and over I would look for something else in my free time. But I didn’t have the bandwidth and I was ashamed of how the anxiety and the depression that this job bred within me was affecting others that I loved. I was focusing on my relationships or upcoming events to get through. Never living in the moment, just waiting for pockets of free time to breathe before sinking back into a long work week that broke me down again and again. But then I realized if I didn’t bet on myself no one would. It was like a switch flipped in my brain. I asked myself, in my current situation how could I make a change for my mental health and the answer was I couldn’t. I shouldn’t and I shouldn’t be ashamed about that either.
I finally said screw it, all of my fears are valid but they do not own me. I quit my job. With nothing lined up. The boldest move I’ve made on my own. It felt good, but I’m still scared. But I’m taking control of my life and I finally feel confident in letting my loved ones in on my unhappiness, of my fears. I won’t let my insecurities allow me to let my life pass me by or keep the people who care about me at a distance. Change is hard and following your intuition can be terrifying. But the foundations of what I feel happiness is will no longer be compromised. My promises to myself going forward are: I will not let my insecurities hold me back, I will make time for the people that matter, I will be positive in this period of transition, I will give myself time and space to feel and heal, and I will be present. My insecurities won’t change overnight but the way I cope with them can.
I celebrate: the insecurities that drive me to be a better version of myself and throwing away the ones that try to beat me down. I am powerful in these truths.