Dreams

I feel like if I ever let the child go I will let myself down. So down in fact that I would become suicidal. Because there is so much pain that I feel. And I feel that if I don’t go to sleep at night thinking that the tooth fairy is going to put money underneath my pillow or go to sleep at night and think of dreams I’m going to have or go outside and make up some fake story in my head and it ends up happening - because that’s what happens. When you make these stories in your head and believe in them, they can happen. A child has unconditional belief that fuels their imagination that adults shoot down with reality. Whatever reality is for us. So I think for me what helps me get through is to never let go off that. New York looks so much prettier when you look up. It’s a whole other city. That’s the wandering child in me.

I know my friends indefinitely. My family I don’t know as well. I don’t know anyone past my grandmother. They don’t know much about me but my shock value. My grandmother knows I work a lot - that’s pretty much what she knows. What my grandmothers remembers about me is the fact that I’m 22-21-23 and I keep moving to new cities. She’s not really understanding why. She’s an elder Dominican woman from the island. She doesn’t get why I’m not in school. I think I do all these things to keep that child alive. I think my family didn’t take enough risks. I was the biggest risk that my mom took, having me and I feel like I should live out that legacy. I have to make my birth worth it because she went through so much to have me, whether it be the physical pushing or the emotional abandonment from my dad. I was the peace treaty between them. These are all stories I’d heard. I just know that for her life doesn’t make sense as to why did she go through so much. I have to make this worth it. My family doesn’t deserve to see what they see. There’s so many things that I notice that my life has gotten and their life hasn’t and I never understood because we came from the same vessel. Each person in my family has a certain complex - some complexity that has stopped them from doing what they want to do. I’ve had my own restrictions and I don’t think it’s fair to continue that legacy. I should show them the unbelievable sides of life.