I've been thinking a lot about tension. About the contradictions that we embody and that make us who we are. I believe that our greatest strengths and our biggest weaknesses are always intimately tied. What that means is that the qualities that allow us to create can also destroy us. Depth of feeling, a desire to work hard, the search for Home: these are the things that have allowed me to connect with the world around me, succeed in my professional life, and forge strong connections with the people I love. Existential crisis, the need for release, and the urge to get lost: these are the underbellies of my best qualities, and each has had a hand in the times when things fell apart.
I am loyal, and I am duplicitous. I am giving, and I am selfish. My search for meaning clashes with my desire for material pleasures, and my desire for confident momentum is at odds with my self-doubt.
But what does it mean? How can I be both, at every turn? How can the girl who is so committed to her work today be the same girl who, a year ago, was wandering around southeast Asia, lost for the sake of it?
I'm still figuring that out. The one thing I'm certain of is this: wherever you go, there you are. The qualities that make me great are always going to be at odds with the undercurrents of self-destruction. I think that ultimately, happiness has to be in embracing that tension. If I can understand and accept the light and the dark, I then have the power to choose. The world isn't black and white, and neither am I.