THE CHOICE

The last couple weeks have really been about letting the universe come to me. It was this funny thing where I feel that I put in a lot of groundwork, put a lot of points on the board and now it finally feels like it's coming around and working. It's that flow state where it's as if the universe is just putting things in my hand. That's where I feel like I am right now and it's this really cool place to be. I'm so excited for this project - mostly because it allows me to work on something I really believe in. I don't feel like I'm trying to do something I'm not. I always thought: what content series am I going to make that feels like me? I mean, sure I can be a beauty blogger and you can teach me how to put makeup on myself and I could sit in front of a thing and do it but that's not me. That's just me doing something. I'm really excited about finding these projects and ways to help/give back. I've been so lucky. One of the things I haven't mentioned is that I have Connective Tissue Disorder which has a median life expectancy of 34. And I'm 29. Hitting within the five years you're expected to die - you're like, fuuuuuck. That's a really interesting moment and you sort of get to have all of these conversations about what you actually want. The condition I have is degenerative. I'm not doing the can't-feed-myself-can't-talk-thing. I will 100% absolutely make sure I have a heart attack before then. It's expensive. It's a waste of resources. It sounds terrible. If I'm aware and in pain? Let's tap out while I'm in the wheelchair and headed that way and can still talk. I don't need to go the full degenerative shit show. It's really sitting there and going okay: what makes your life worth living? You're headed to the point where it's fairly reasonable to assume that you might have to make a decision with how you want to continue to live. Do you want to ride to the end or take a short-cut? It's having that conversation with yourself about it and seeing how you feel about it. And I don't really have an answer for it. I think for me is recognizing that everyday is a choice. I do not have to get out of bed everyday so it's one of those things where you start with the first choice of the day: are you going to get up today? There have been days where the answer has been no. We're going to go ahead and not do this today. But for me, being lucky with my family and having had the resources for when those days happen it doesn't implode my life. If I'm choosing to get out of bed, I've chosen to be here. I've chosen everything that I've done today so I better have made the right choice. So if I'm here, I'm here because I want to be, even if I'm annoyed. Otherwise, do something different. Just knowing that it's my choice and if I have to get out of bed then I should make a different choice. 

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